22 May
Four years ago today, I gave JEE Advanced. And today, I submitted my final year thesis for completion of my bachelor’s degree in engineering with a major in Information Technology. 22 May is the end of the two most important chapters in my book.
22 May 2016
Unlike every other Indian parent, my parents never pressurized me to be a doctor or an engineer. They were happy with whatever made me happy, whatever I chose to be.
My parents invited various people over for dinner. We would talk about their field of work, their lifestyle, how they feel about the work they do, and every other small detail about their lives. The point of all this was that I could make an informed decision about what I wanted to do in terms of my career.
After meeting about a dozen people, and researching things, depending on my interests, I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to work in Physics. I wanted to learn physics from the best institute. I decided to give JEE(entrance for IIT) and wished to get into IIT so that I could learn Engineering Physics from world-class minds.
I started preparations, I worked hard, and I prepared so that I could see myself in IIT and go one step further in my journey. Everything was great until D-day. It was 22 May 2016, and for the first time in my life, I was nervous about facing an exam, I was shaking. It was the day that decides my fate. I cracked the exam, but not with the result I expected. I didn’t get to the institute of my dreams.
I was shattered. I could not get one thing that I wanted the most in my life.
To quote a famous dialogue from a web series
Jab itni kacchi umar me kisi cheez ko chaho na, toh do hi cheez hoti hai, agar mil gayi toh sukun hai, chill hai par agar nahi mili toh phir milta hai self-doubt, jealousy, bhaishaab confidence gir jaata hai. Phir jitna duniya nahi samajhtina utna aadmi khud ko loser samjhne lagta hai. Tab phir koi bhi accha college mil jaye, accha nahi lagta IIT to nahi hai na.
I failed to get into IIT. I failed at one thing that mattered to me the most. I failed at the one dream I saw. I failed. I was a loser.
22 May 2020
I got into VIT. It was one of the better colleges in India. One of the most reputed ones too. But was it enough? Never. Whenever I tried to convince myself that VIT is a good college, the other part of me disagreed; it just said, but it’s not IIT na. This thought haunted me my entire college life; it continues to haunt me. My confidence dropped. I hit the rock bottom. And when you hit rock bottom, you still have a way to go until the abyss.
I lost my interest in the new environment I was in, I lost all my ambitions, I lost faith in myself. To avoid feeling at all, I started sleeping over 16 hours a day, I started over-eating, I started avoiding conversations with my loved ones, I avoided everything that made me feel like a loser, and I turned out to be an actual loser, and I even failed a subject. Instead of exorcising my demons, I started to feed whatever it wanted, and those who tried to help me fight those demons, I pushed them away.
It took about 3–4 years, but I regained that confidence in myself, I felt like I could achieve something, even if it meant my dream of going to IIT would remain a mere dream. I finally started loving what I was doing, even if it was not studying Physics from Dr. H.C. Verma at IIT-Kanpur. I developed a deep interest in Data Science, I started digging deeper and deeper, learning more and more, reading more and more, coding more and more, and living a little more. I was happy after a very long time. I was, again, an ambitious person. But this time, I was wise too.
Today, as I submitted my final year thesis, and as I look back when I never finished any assignment without plagiarizing content from the internet or without asking for a peer’s help, I managed to complete a full-fledged research project all by myself, I feel a small sense of achieving something. I know it’s not a lot, but it’s still something. And I am happy.
Not both of the 22 May were the same; they are my experiences and make me what I am today.
As I stand at the crossroads of college ending, and still unsure of what the future has in the box for me, of where I will end up next, I hold a long list of goals, and I am fucking sure that I will indulge myself in achieving them. I know that I might not be able to achieve them all, and I will be disheartened when I don’t achieve some, but I will get over it. I will still work for others on the list and keep adding more to the list.
22 May will always remain special. Happy 22 May!
